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waxing lyrical @ blogspot v1 - introspection.
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Wednesday, April 30, 2003The nights get me down bad. When I start feeling extraordinarily alone, and all I want to do is to listen to all these songs of unrequited love and broken-hearted people which inevitably leaves me feeling worse. Not the songs with words of tenderness that lovers whisper to one another or the one with the promise of eternal love. But the songs of sorrow, the ones of unspoken words that should have been said, those which describe the pain of losing someone, or of times where everything was once perfect and idyllic yet is now gone.Nights like these make me feel so low, sometimes I think I hit rock bottom. Too little to do so my thoughts run amok. Too few people around to talk to so I feel lonely and abandoned. Too quiet that I feel like there's no one in this universe, 'cept for me, and all the darkness in this world coming after me, drowning me, killing me. I hate these nights. And yet I love it as well. For the same reasons that I hate it. Having nothing to do and feeling free like a lark. The solitude that allows me to think and not feel crowded out, having my own space to do my own things. The tranquility of the night, so quiet I can hear my own breathing and the crickets out there making their kind of music, when I feel like time has slowed to a crawl and nothing really matters anymore. With all the glistening stars in the sky winking at me, calling out to me to fly up and become one of them. These nights leave me broken and afraid, of what I am, of what I will become. Yet they also lift me up, bringing the seemingly unreachable and unattainable within reach. My heart is heavy. The soul so weary. Maybe it's time to bid the night adieu and say hello to my bed which beckons me, with promises of sweet dreams and everything else good and pure. 03:32 | I have this gut feeling that he's avoiding me. I don't know why I think so, or why he would do so, but the feeling is so intense I can't shake it off.Maybe I'm just being overly paranoid and suspicious. Maybe he's just busy. But maybe I'm right. I hate feeling this way. Like a fool, left high and dry, yet continually yearning for him. Craving to see him, dying to hear him, and oh what I would give just to talk to him. This is crazy you know? I need to get a grip. 02:47 | Tuesday, April 29, 2003And here we go again.If you want to ask the rest of the gang out, you DO NOT push it all to me. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WANTS TO MEET THEM BUT YOU WANT ME TO DO ALL THE DIRTY WORK?! SCREW YOU! I'm NOT your secretary. And definitely not your slave. I'm fed up with you using the if-you-ask-them-they-won't-reject excuse to get me to call the people you want to see because I don't give a damn if I see them, or you for that matter. If you can't even put in that bit of effort on your part, why should I? Where's the sincerity? For goodness sake, stop pissing me off. 22:20 | By golly! Friends, Smallville and Alias all in 2 and a half hours. That's way too much for Monday night isn't it?And what do they have on Tuesdays? Boring B-grade horror movies. Doh. Bring on Gilmore Girls instead! 01:43 | You know those shirts that are sold at pasar malams, the ones with the pierced babies?They scare the hell out of me and seriously freak me out. It's so wrong. Babies with eyebrow rings, nose chains, and shaved heads. Who on earth came up with these shirts? 01:05 | Monday, April 28, 2003Many a times, people think they know a person very well on the basis that they've known that person for a long time.But they can't be any further from the truth. So what if you've known me for more than 5 years, or even 10. Do you have a clue to what makes me sad. What are my plans for the future? My views and my opinions? Were you there when I needed someone? Simply put, do you understand me? How can you possibly do when I barely know myself. It's so ironic that a person whom I've talked to on less than 10 ocassions in my entire life knows me much better than you, who I once went out with everyday for my June holidays. Heck, it's not just you. A whole lot of my friends are that way too. But it's not your fault. Really. Since I've never bothered to share that part of myself with you. Or them. Neither have I bothered to find out more about you. I guess we're just not the close-and-bear-your-soul kind of friends. And I don't think we can ever be that way. I don't know. Just don't pretend you know me fantastically well. Because you don't. Spare me. // Guys can be so dense and insensitive at times. Nothing seems to get through to them unless you spell it in bold red letters right in front of them. Girls are like that too. But not as bad. Or does the problem lie with me? 21:42 | Sunday, April 27, 2003When Cliqo went down and before I had this set up, I nearly died because I had all this thoughts inside of me that I needed to get out of me, but no place to put them in. As a last resort, I dug out an old notepad and started writing everything in it. Even now, with this site up, I still bring the notepad (whom I call Bessie) everywhere with me so I can write when the mood strikes me.Bessie's the kind of notepad that can be bought almost everywhere, cheap and not very durable. When I flip the page, it'll start to tear and come off, resulting in a notepad that's basically falling apart. I had resorted to stapling the pages to the cover but it made it hard for me to flip through what I'd written. And I'm quite sure it wasn't that comfortable for Bessie too, so now I use a paperclip instead to keep Bessie together. I like Bessie this way. All torn apart and tattered looking. Like she's been through a long and hard journey, endured the harsh and difficult times. :) It's such a joy, and a comfort, to have her by my side. 22:25 | It's so apropros to have Lady Rain playing on my discman while there is a light drizzle outside.Lady Rain, I need you softly falling on my face" Such a poignant song, a song that makes me want to cry and mourn for all that I've lost. A call for the lost to return. I played it a second time. 22:12 | Saturday, April 26, 2003People blog for a variety of reasons. An avenue to express their opinions, to let off steam, to keep in contact with friends and some, for mere attention's sake.I don't think I write very well, nor very meaningfully. But I do think I write with a purpose. I can't say the same for my earlier entries over at randomemories but I believe that over the past year, what I've written has been more focused, more purposeful. Or at least I think so. And I know why I'm having this site, because it's a good way for me to express myself and jot down my thoughts, interact with like-minded people and at the end of the day, become more aware of myself. I don't care if hardly anyone comes by, or if people hate what I write. Because I do this for me. But there're some around, who blog, because apparently, it's a trend, not unlike the bubble tea one that was in Singapore a while ago. And it's supposedly cool to have a site, where you design pages and have people praise you for your "fantastic" skills and designing capabilities. Oh, and don't forget the interesting part where you tell people every single minute detail of your life, like what time you woke, what you did after you woke, what kind of toothpaste you use to brush your teeth and how you do it yada yada. After which you worry about the number of hits you garner a day, and cry if someone gives you a mean comment, hurt to find out that not everybody likes you because ultimately to you, this is all a popularity game isn't it? When people ask you what you did for that day, you'd ask them to "go see my blog", in a pathetic attempt to get people to visit it. I am in an extremely critical mood as you can see. No, there's nothing wrong with the above, after all, the webspace is yours to waste. But spare the rest of the world your mindless incessant whining about how nobody visits your site and maybe you should shut it down, and the boring routine of your life, because honestly, nobody's interested in that. Don't feel obligated to post an entry a day especially when you have nothing remotely exciting happening and go "I don't have much to say for the day, so this is it" because it only makes you seem like you have nothing better to do with your life. Seriously, this is simply a pot-calling-the-kettle-black situation. And I've run out of steam. So there. 01:51 | Wednesday, April 23, 2003I've always had this ningling thought that I've seen Lorelai Gilmore somewhere.And now I know who. Lorelai Gilmore is Dharma! How could I not have seen the similarities earlier? -smacks head- They're both quirky as hell, almost like twins, except maybe Dharma is a tad more kooky and Lorelai is more mouthy. Hmm, interesting. They even look a little alike. 02:29 | Monday, April 21, 2003I know I'm being used when someone messages me only on the eve of tests or exams, asking if I know what there is to study and what I have studied. When that someone is not even remotely close to me and only approaches me when she needs help.Like fuck it. Do I look like I give a damn whether you haven't studied or not, or how bad your project is going? Well, if it comes as a shock to you, I honestly don't give a hoot about it. And I don't know if it has ever struck you, but looking for me only when you need help and when you don't even attempt to be friends with me, only pisses me off big time. Screw you. 16:01 | There's this Super Idol show that I've been following for a while now. It's somewhat like American Idol, heck it probably is a ripoff from that show. Anyhow, I've always supported this contestant, Jenny Yang because she has this quality about her, where she is able to touch the hearts of the audience. Including me.And she was voted out. When it was already down to the final 3. If she had made it into the final 2, she'd have the chance to release an EP from the songs she had recorded earlier on. And the best part is, the show wanted her to ruin the record so that would be no chance of any albums being released from what she had made. She cried. Her producer cried. The audience cried. And I cried. It was so heartbreaking. To have to destroy the product she had created after hours of hard work in the recording studio. To see her struggling to do so. We all felt her pain. Even her producer walked out of the studio, because he was too distraught. He was the only judge that didn't vote for her. Because he saw what we saw. Her sincerity and determination to make it as a recording artiste, alone in Taiwan while her family's far away, the improvements she's made over the months, always touching us with her songs. Sometimes our dreams fail to materialise. I can only hope we have the strength to bounce back, and find it in us, somehow, to move on with our lives. 01:40 | Saturday, April 19, 2003"I had my last lecture in SP yesterday. The significance of that didn't hit me till this afternoon when I was on my way to school.I'm graduating. In 35 days, I will have my last paper I'll ever take in SP (hopefully, I don't fail it and end up repeating the module). And to me, that'll mark the end of my poly days. Kowaii. That's Japanese for scary. 3 years gone in a flash. In the twinkle of an eye, it's gone. -sigh- I feel a sense of loss. For the time that that's passed me by, for the things I should've done in school but missed out on. And that school that I'll no longer belong to. This must be how growing up is. Continually assailed by a sense of loss. Facing a neverending onslaught of changes. 35 more days. Each minute ticking by. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. I wish there was some way I could hold on to the time slipping by. But I know there isn't. So I guess I'll just have to take snapshots of my last few days in poly, and store them in my memory, hoping they'll last for a lifetime. 35 more days." This was written on April 4. I had my last tutorial, my last lesson on Thursday. I guess this more or less marks the end of another phase in my life. 3 more trips to school for tests and exams and it'll be officially over. I'm petrified. I thought I could only be scared to THAT extent when I wrote that entry. That that was the limit. But I'm wrong. This is worse. Much much worse than it could ever be. Fuck it and damn it all to hell. 15:53 | Each time I watch Prince Of Egypt, I never fail to be moved by it. And I see things, issues discussed, that I didn't notice the previous times I watched it. Like this time round it struck me how conflicted Moses must have been, having to obey God and doing His will which would cause hurt to Rameses whom he treated and loved as his brother.To see one of God's stories on the big screen. Displayed in such an inspiring manner. The burning bush scene, beautifully crafted. The parting of the red sea, simply awe inspiring. Even my mum gushed, saying "WAH, very nice hor?" Heck, it even made me cry the first time round. It's one of the rare few movies that I've watched, that leaves me feeling thankful for what God has blessed me with. And ashamed, for not being the child He would like me to be. If only, we could all be as faithful to Him. If only. 02:21 | And so I'm back on Blogspot again. We go through life in circles don't we?-sigh- Am in a really crazy mood now. I have no fucking idea what's wrong with me. Just that I'm really tired and that I could just sit and not do anything the entire day. The blasted headache came back with a vengence today and it's wrecking havoc, as if to make up for the lost time. I can't write anything that you'd want to read now. So I'll probably not write. Or you could not read. Later. 01:11 | |