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waxing lyrical @ blogspot v1 - introspection.
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003Maybe it's time to say goodbye to this.16:30 | Time passes fast when one's busy doesn't it?Spent the last few hours in school trying to study but in actual fact, have done more surfing and chatting. -sigh- There hasn't been much to write of late. Nothing inspiring nor particularly agitating has happened. Life's been this routine, that remains the same day in and day out where you get sucked into this daily pattern of waking up in the morning, attending school, (trying to) mug and hitting the sack at midnight. Before you know it, days fly by (it's now week 5 of the academic term), and soon, deadlines for assignments and projects will invade my life, followed by the end of the term. I don't want life to be this way. I want it to be vibrant, filled with many different colorful sights and interesting sounds. I want to be excited each day with the prospect of what lies before me and not wake up dreading the day ahead, with this gigantic knot of frustration and helplessness. Life's what you make of it. What have I made mine into? 16:28 | Sunday, September 07, 2003Doesn't the word group in group project mean anything?Just because it's stated that one person should present and write the report doesn't mean that you abandon that person to his/her own devices and not give a damn anymore right? Just because the person has completed his presentation independently doesn't mean he/she doesn't need you, you know? What happened to looking out for each other and making sure that everybody is pulling their own weight? Sure, even though it's not my presentation, it's only right that I volunteer my assistance and ensure that my group member is doing alright and that help is there when he/she needs it right? I don't know if it's me being too sensitive and reading too much into what people are saying but generally I get the impression that since it's not my turn this time round, I don't have to give a damn. That person, if he/she needs help, will jolly well take the own initiative and come to me for help when he/she needs it. Someone tell me I'm not the only person who thinks there's something wrong with that type of logic. 15:03 | Saturday, September 06, 2003Time passes in the twinkle of an eye doesn't it? Before I know it, 3 weeks have passed since the beginning of school.I'm still trying to adapt to the new environment, having been so accustomed and comfortable to the SP style. Socially, I'm faring well. I have friends, good pals, crappy assholes, and gossip kakis to hang with, unlike the nightmare I had been expecting. Academically though, I'm still trying to find my footing. There's a lot of pressure this time round. The pressure to perform and excel in all that I do. Because I've tasted what it is to be at the top. And I want more of it. It could also very possibly be to prove my own worth. To show myself that I'm as good as the people there, even though deep down I know I really suck bigtime. Incapable and foolish. I will work hard. I must. 00:52 | I've graduated.The ceremony was held on Wednesday at the new convention centre and it was nice catching up with friends that I've not seen for awhile, and may be seeing for the last time. I'm happy. Of course I am. For being able to finish my course smoothly and being lucky enough to fare well, coming out with many valuable and enriching experiences. As I've said to so many people of late, polytechnic life was really one of, if not, the best times of my life. And yet there is this huge sense of loss. As I was hugging Serene and telling her to take care of herself, I could feel this huge lump in my throat and tears threatening to fall. What if this was the last time I'd ever see her, ever hug her, ever talk to her? I know we haven't been as close since our freshmen year but that doesn't mean I'm ready to give up this friendship, not now, not ever. This sense of loss followed me throughout the day, as I took photographs with my pals, caught up with lecturers and friends, even simply walking around the school. I know the memories will be there, and that should be enough, but it isn't. I want to feel like I belong there forever and the realilty of it is I don't. I stopped belonging to it since May and I never will anymore. Was this how my seniors felt as well? That moment where they graduated and looked back on the 3 years that had gone by in a flash, did they lose their sense of belonging? That warm feeling in one's heart, not very different from what one feels when one thinks of home? And now, I have this sense of regret. For not taking enough photographs on that day. No, not of me. But of what was going on around me. So that at least, I'd have visuals to accompany me and remind me of what a great time I had in SP. I never thought I'd fall so hard. 00:39 | |