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waxing lyrical @ blogspot v1 - introspection.
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Thursday, May 29, 2003I've been having very disturbing dreams of late.Of people that I never thought I'd dream of. Not to mention in that sort of context. (No, not horny wet dreams, you pervert.) It's mightily unnerving, wrecking havoc on my emotional wellbeing and I almost feel as if I'm going mental. Bittersweet. // Some of my results were released yesterday and things seem good so far. At the very least, I know I'm graduating this semester. With the bloody graduation ceremony being on September 3rd which is really far away. The rest of the grades will be out at 12 am today and I'm quite anxious about it. Oh, and does anyone know what's the difference between an academic transcript and a result slip? 15:49 | Tuesday, May 27, 2003I'm a horrid person. The worst ever one can find.I hate losing my temper. Because then I'd feel guilty after. And I'd have to apologise. But I can't because if I say one more word, I'll start crying. Heck, I'm crying before I say anything. I'm a horrid person. The worst of the human species. Why why why. I don't want to hear that. Don't ask why. Just accept it. I'm going mad. Slowly but surely. I can feel it. This war inside my head. Bloody hell. 23:43 | I don't usually do this but seeing the result, I simply had to.
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You display a perfect fusion of heroism and compassion. What Matrix Persona Are You? 02:42 | The weather has been horrendous of late. I feel perpetually hot and sticky.*sulks* And from what I've seen online, I'm definitely not the only one that feels this way. I want so badly to soak in icy cold water 24/7 and drink tons and tons of coke. Problem being I don't have a bathtub. Oh, and I can't swim so going to the neighbourhood swimming pool seems rather boring. ARGH! Another excuse to go shopping. 02:21 | Sunday, May 25, 2003Insecure. Me.-sigh- June's coming. And before we know it, July will be here too. People ask me, "So what're you going to do now that poly's over?" And I'm stumped for an answer. It stinks that nothing is confirmed, or can be until my result slips arrive and are sent over. And now all I can do is jot my incoherent thoughts down, and hope somehow, that it'll help me to feel better. 15:51 | Saturday, May 24, 2003I'm a shopaholic. For the past month, I simply can't stop shopping.Everytime I go out, I buy buy buy buy buy. And today was no exception. After a 10 minute speech I gave my mom a couple of days ago, she handed me 100 bucks today, which was promptly spent within the following 8 hours. ARGH! It's like I'm so happy with my purchases, because I think they're really nice and I do like them very much. But I'm feeling so guilty because I am seriously over my limit for the month. Then I try to comfort myself by telling myself that if I include last month's budget, I'm still doing okay. I'm so self delusional. And the Great Singapore Sale is next Friday. Sounds like big trouble to me. Oops. 02:30 | Friday, May 23, 2003What do I like to do?I like to find a nice comfortable spot in the library, and immerse myself in a good book. A nice scenery would be an added bonus for when I take a break from the reading, to find blue skies and white clouds. :) What do I like to do? I like to curl up in bed with my bolster that looks exactly like a french loaf, sniffing it, and using my toes to rub my holey blanket that's been with me since the beginning of time, just like my bolster. Safe, secure, protected. What do I like to do? I like to be at windy places, with the breeze blowing through my messy hair, making it even messier. Or under the dark skies with glittering stars winking at me from above. With my trusty discman beside me, and my favourite tunes playing on it. Calm and at peace with myself, my friends, the world. What do I like to do? Hmm. 01:39 | Nothing interesting has happened lately. Which explains the lack of posts. I hope you guys out there are having a more exciting life than me.// You know why I dislike the MRT so much? For one, the seats are terribly hard and very uncomfortable. And small too! But that's not the real problem. The problem's with the 2 rows of parallel seats that face each other. It's fucking uncomfortable going through a ride, trying to find some place you can fix your gaze on instead of looking at the person directly opposite you. There's no privacy dey. You can see everyone. Everyone can see you. 00:49 | Saturday, May 17, 2003I don't like it when people who have not smsed me in a while, suddenly sms me out of the blue, not even having the decency to ask how I'm doing and going straight to "What's the number for XXX?"It majorly pisses me off. // You know the Nokia commercial with Christopher Lee and Joanne Peh that's been on the television for the past week? Can anyone shed some light on the song that's playing in the background? // And to those people who lurk around the site without leaving comments, could you just leave one because I'm feeling really curious about all these IPs I see on my site counter. If you don't want to, then forget it. 02:19 | There're so many pitfalls in life, it's hard to look out for all of them. So many things you want in life, it's hard to have them all.-sigh- So I'm still young. Yes I'm only 19. Then someone tell me why I feel so weary? // Sometimes I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. Me somewhere out there, looking at me, somewhere down there. Wondering what the fuck I'm doing and if there's any point to what I'm doing. Question I always ask myself, "What's the point?" I wish so badly someone can tell what the point to all these -waves arms around madly- is. Goodness, is there even one in the first place? In the spirit of what Tom Cruise said in Jerry Maguire where he shouts "SHOW ME THE MONEY!", I'd like to say SHOW ME THE DAMN FUCKING POINT! // -sigh- It hurts. Not being able to do what I really want, or be where I really want to be with the life I really want. Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, but maybe when I'm on THAT side, I'd be truly happier. I guess I'd never know now, how much happier I can be. And I don't know why I'm keeping that piece of paper even though I know it won't be of any use anymore. My mind's made up, the route mapped out. Still, I can't bear to junk it. Burning searing pain. 02:09 | Friday, May 16, 2003My ears are bleeding. I won't be surprised if they became deaf from my neighbour's horrendous singing.ARGH! It's fucking bad. She's either tone deaf, or simply deaf to all sounds. She brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "singing offkey" and whether it's Hokkien songs or good old English tunes, she ruins them all. I don't think I'm being judgemental because I thought I heard someone shouting "Kaopeh ah!" probably from those living above her. Fuck it. As if blasting techno songs early in the morning isn't enough, she now has to publicise her REALLY bad singing to the entire block. God. I'm not kidding. It's REALLY REALLY bad. And I can hear it crystal clear. ARGH! HELP! 16:25 | Beneath the pale moonlight Someone's thinking of me And loving me tonight Somewhere out there Someone's saying a prayer That we'll find one another In that big somewhere out there And even though we know how very Far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishing On the same bright star And when the night wind starts to Sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping Underneath the same big sky Somewhere out there If love can see us through Then we'll be together Somewhere out there Out where dreams come true" It's a wonder how some songs can so aptly describe what one's feeling. 00:22 | Tuesday, May 13, 2003The ice cream sold by the ah peks along Orchard Road, are so much better than any Haagen Dazs flavour you can find in the stores.Question is, what's with the peanuts they add in it huh? Flavour enhancement? 20:03 | How are good friends made? Is it all written in the stars or by a stroke of luck?Was chatting with Wanjing over dinner yesterday about how our clique came about. The 6 of us are all so different with rather different backgrounds and yet we, by some chance of fate, found each other and stuck with one another. True, there were times we had quarrels or someone drifted away but at the end of the day, we're still together. Even when one is far away in UK now, we still keep in close contact and constantly regale her with the stupid things we do on our outings. :) I miss ya Lifang. Then we talked about our sitting positions in class, and tried to remember who was sitting with who. But somehow we simply couldn't remember who I sat with. So after calling a few people, we finally found out from Huiping that I was sitting with Lifang! *LOL* And honestly, I can't remember that ever happened. See what a good friend I am? I wonder if Lifang remembers. Hah. Life in IJ was oh so sweet. 14:09 | Monday, May 12, 2003After 2 whole days of staying at home and basically doing nothing 'cept bumming in front of my computer, I'm finally going to get some action tomorrow. Am very happy that the week ahead is packed fill with activities because it means doing stuff I want to do, and hanging with people I like.:) There's so much excitement going on in my head, thinking of things that I want to do, who I can get to accompany me and when I can fit them in. Not to forget the meagre amount of allowance I have. Hmm. To-Do List 1. Watch movies (goodness, tons of them) 2. Have a picnic 3. Go karaoke 4. Club club club 5. Spend all my money at the Great Singapore Sale 6. Catch up on my reading 7. Do some kiteflying 8. VCDs Hmm. That's all I can remember for now. Seems like a funfilled time ahead. :) 00:58 | Sunday, May 11, 2003Paid a visit to Marks & Spencer yesterday with Liying.-sigh- First they banned my Poppyseed Crackers. Simply because it's associated to some extent with opium. Then they changed the product range, so now they don't stock my beloved Salt & Vinegar Chips, as well as the Sour Berries. Grr. Thank God for the Cracked Pepper & Salt Pretzels. -sigh- 02:10 | Talk about role reversal. Before my exams, it used to be me nagging at my brother to get off the computer, asking him to stop spending so much time online and letting the computer have some "rest time".Now that my exams are over and his has arrived, he's the one bugging me to get my ass away from the PC and making snide comments like how I'm going to spoil it by spending such long hours on it. -sigh- It's not my fault that there's so much interesting stuff online is there? :) 'Sides he just reinstalled Tiberian Sun and with so much time on my hands, how can I not indulge myself. *grins* Wait till I start with his Counter-Strike. -beams- I'm so enjoying myself. Pity my brother and my dad are having their exams. So I can't outrightly declare how happy I am. Still. :) 01:32 | Saturday, May 10, 2003It's over! Yay! I'm so happy and relieved. :) Someone must have prayed for me because I thought the paper went pretty well. I can't say I aced it but I'm quite sure I won't get the dreaded C (I think). Although come to think of it, I did take only an hour to finish a 2 hour paper, so maybe I fouled up real bad and didn't even realise it.Results will be out in 3 weeks. -takes deep breath- More prayers are definitely needed. And the polytechnic phase of my life is over. Hmm. What should I do now? // I finally got my kungfu hamster back. It's this really cool toy that does nifty kungfu moves with "Kungfu Fighting" playing in the background. Hilarious! 00:33 | Friday, May 09, 2003My first and last paper will take place tomorrow. Wish me luck and send me your prayers.Mixed feelings now. Should I be happy because the shit's going to be over? Or should I be petrified and a nervous wreck because I feel like I'm going to do badly? Maybe I should be sad because it's the last paper I'll ever take in school (hopefully I won't fail the paper and have to do a supplementary one) and it's my last time in school. The paper's at 2 pm so the plan is to sleep at 5 am and wake at 10 am but am kind of sleepy now after the taekwondo practice I had earlier. How? I still have 1 chapter left to go through and am toying with the idea of going through all the 13 chapters for the 3rd time. How? 00:29 | Wednesday, May 07, 2003I hate it when I hang clothes out and half an hour later it starts raining, so I have to bring it all back in.Then when I don't hang anything out, thinking it's going to rain soon, it never does. 14:29 | It's funny. I feel like we get along fantastic, and then something happens which makes me think we might be better off as enemies.I don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm supposed to feel anymore. Maybe I'm just numbed to all feelings 'cept the bad ones. :( // I dreamt that I was back in Japan last night. With a whole bunch of people from all the different phases of my life that I'd least expect to dream of. Like Meifania from IJ days, some people from school and another bunch whom I don't know how to categorise. There were lots of hot looking Japanese guys in the dream and I remember being in a highly excited state as I zipped around the school, looking for my host, so I could pass him his souvenir which was a Monopoly set. And I was happy. Then I woke. And I was sad. 00:44 | Guys can be such deceptive horny bastards.00:41 | Tuesday, May 06, 2003I feel invincible! -lets out cheer and hops around madly-I've finally finished going through all 13 chapters of my Global Business Environment notes! I think it's a pretty good achievement considering I only started last Thursday and my exam's on Friday which is like, shit, 3 fucking days away! Okay, maybe I'm not that great after all. I haven't gone through my tutorials, nor the past year exam papers. And best of all, I barely recall what I've memorised! !!! I'm doomed. 02:09 | Monday, May 05, 2003I dreamt of Thorn last night. And though I can't remember the exact details, I vaguely recall him visiting me when I was in camp (with Neini of all people), and how happy I was seeing him. When he came to look for me in my room and check on how I was doing. That warm comforting feeling.Just like the one I had when I dreamt of him. In a sense, I hate having happy dreams. Dreams where my innermost desires are fulfilled and I feel so full of joy I want to shout it out loud. Then I wake up, and feel a deep sense of betrayal when I come back to the real world, cruelly ripped out of my perfect story. This sharp pain in my heart, to find out that it's simply a dream and nothing more. That the happiness I had is out of grasp once again. Wanting to go back to bed, so I can return to my castle in the clouds, to the happy endings which doesn't come around in real life. Dreams can be so cruel. Especially the good ones. Because they create a false sense of security, hope, and happiness, only for one to awake and have reality give you a good slap in the face. -sigh- Give me nightmares anytime. // On a separate note, I miss Thorn. I miss having a nice proper conversation about the things that matter to me in life, and to know that he totally understands what I'm going through. Even though we live such different lives and get together so rarely, I feel so close to him, like I can tell him anything and everything. I miss talking to someone who really understands. 03:08 | Yay! Finally Blogger's working properly. I'm so happy! :) To those who were smart enough to find the May posts, good for you! *pats on back* To those who didn't, now you see them! Yay!Okay, I sound crazed. But you can't blame me. All I've been doing the past few days is study, cram and mug. Okay, maybe not quite. I've been watching a hell lot of a television too, which could explain why nothing stays in my brain. Still, it's really exhausting studying. -sigh- And all this studying is making me think, "Oh no! I have another 3 more years of this when I go on to a university! Just kill me please. Stab me in the heart!" I don't know. Suddenly I don't look forward to furthering my studies that much anymore. I won't know anyone in the school in my batch since nobody I know is going there with me, and I dread seeing the people whom I know and are already there because, urm, just because. First things first, let the papers be over and let the party begin! Woohoo! 01:28 | Saturday, May 03, 2003My exams are in a week's time so by right, I should be at home studying. Then I read the papers and heard of the fantastic sales going on around town and decided to join in the fun!Hee. Am pretty happy with my haul for today though I didn't really buy much. Say 3 tops and a jacket which leaves me a hundred buckeroos poorer and I'm definitely starting to feel the pinch. May has only just begun and more than a third of my allowance is already gone. This does not bode well. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea going out after all. But I'm really happy! And that's what counts right? :) 01:24 | Thursday, May 01, 2003I keep missing the movies TCS 5 has. And I never ever manage to catch those movies that I've never seen on the big screen. Like Forces Of Nature and The Fifth Element!Argh! Someone bring them back soon! 19:43 | You know the Courage Fund advertisement MediaCorp's been showing on both their channels? The one where they ask people to dial in and make a donation?Does anyone have any idea what song it is playing in the background? // Okay, publishing and archiving is screwed. Whee. 18:59 | |