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waxing lyrical @ blogspot v1 - introspection.
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Saturday, June 28, 2003What's it with people thinking they don't need to know how to spell because there is spellcheck? And blaming their mistakes on the lack of a spellcheck facility?What's it with my neighbours blasting their stereo and/or the television set and playing the harmonica at 11 pm? What happened to consideration? Or are they deaf and I did not realise it? What's it with Singaporeans being the way they are? 23:29 | A Whiter Shade Of Pale has such a haunting melody I can't get it out of my head. But after listening to it countless times, I still don't understand the lyrics of the song. Anyone?15:09 | I wish I was smarter. Straight As and fucking brilliant. Beyond getting good grades, I wish I could write like those out there, never lacking words and always churning out passages that touch my heart, touch my soul. Beautiful lines of poetry that sends shivers up one's spine, so chillingly captivating, spellbinding.I wish I was prettier. With a beauty that no one could resist and everyone would adore and a smile that would light up the room. An enchantress. I wish I was wittier. Coming up with humourous anecdotes to share with my friends, or simply making merry quips that would crack them up bad. The life of a party, the one everyone loves to hang with. I wish I was wealthier. Born with a silver spoon in my mouth and being able to spend money without a care in the world. Having anything and everything I want, with nothing out of reach for me. I wish I was compassionate. And compassion brings along with it so many other countless virtues that everyone prizes. Not apathetic but instead able to empathise and understand what people are going through. Not jaded and cynical, always holding back but instead have a heart filled with so much love, generous and giving, always trusting of the ways of the world. But most importantly, I wish I didn't wish so much. Not insecure and doubting what life could bring but instead to be contented with life's offerings and satisfied by the simplest of things. And I look back and think, how ironic. The stark difference in the state of my mind only a couple of hours before and now. Life is filled with irony isn't it? 03:16 | It's amazing how I can go from happily optimistic to depressingly sad freak in a matter of minutes. In fact, it's nothing short of shocking.-snap- Oops, was that the sound of my sanity breaking loose? I can see the love in you But fighting all the demons will take time It will take time" Time. Tick tock, tick tock. Give it up and then take a breath Make it deep cause it might be the last one you get Be the last one that could make us cold You know that they could make us cold I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold" Hmm. 02:27 | Sunday, June 22, 2003I'm so disgustingly tired. My hands are red and sore and my arms are aching terribly. I swear even my usual taekwondo session isn't that exhausting. So what was I up to? I went shopping.If you're not in the know, the Mango sale started today. Angie called me at 8.30 am telling me she was already outside the Centrepoint Mango outlet. I thought she was quite mad to be there so early but I was wrong because by the time I reached the City Hall outlet at 10, it was filled with women and the whole store looked as if a tornado had swept through it. Chaos. And the queues, goodness gracious, snaking all over the store, be it for the fitting rooms or simply to pay. When we had enough of the City Hall outlet, we moved on to the Suntec one. My eyes very nearly popped out of their sockets when I saw the payment queue looping around the store say 3-4 times. I for one, queued a good hour just to settle my purchases. Very nearly died from all the standing and I had to drag this ugly red plastic bag (they sealed my very heavy bag in it) around and eventually my arms got so tired that I kicked it around instead. While in the queue, we had much time on our hands to observe people and it was really difficult not to notice the guys in the queue looking extremely bored and pained. They had the same sad expression on their face and you can almost hear them thinking "Why did I ever agree to accompany my girlfriend out today?" *LOL* And since we were so bored, we started making jokes at their expense and they must have been really annoyed at this trio of mad girls looking in their direction and sniggering away. But we really didn't do it on purpose. It's just part of the madness that takes over you when you step into a Mango store during its sale period. On a side note, I think I finally appreciate the use of a boyfriend. During sales, you can make him queue for you at the fitting room while you go look for clothes to try on. While you're trying them on, he can start queuing at the cashier and after you've purchased your stuff, you can make him carry all your bags for you! A ready slave at your beck and call! Damn. Why didn't I realise it earlier? *sulks* It's okay. I'll get one for the next Mango sale then. *LOL* 01:30 | Friday, June 20, 2003I'll be going for OBS made compulsory by my new school from 7th - 9th July.Let's just say I'm not an outdoor person by nature but if circumstances deem it necessary, I'm actually quite fine with it. But. (Yes, there's always a but.) I'm going with a whole group of strangers. People whom I have not known of their existance and we'll be spending a good 3 days together. Goodness. Being the pessimist, I can imagine this whole shitload of fuckers in my group, somehow collaborating to drive me out of my mind. The geeky guys who talk tech, the beefy shit who tries to show off their overdeveloped body, the garang girls that want to prove they can do anything and everything and the whiny bitches that go "The sun! The sun! It's killing my skin! Where's my moisturiser?". Who's going to slack with me and laugh off the stupid shit we'll be made to do? *sulks* I wish I wasn't in the first batch. At least my friends in the first batch will be able to tell me what they'll be doing so I'll be more mentally prepared with what comes my way. Heck, I was all ready to be going in August when I saw that I'm in Group 55 which is among the last few groups but no, they had to push my group right to the front. And lastly, I'm going for (compulsory) OBS even before I'm matriculated. "We're different." Right on. 11:56 | How many of your friends have been molested? Or rather, were you ever?A close friend of mine was, on the bus, a couple of days ago. Details aside, she stood up, shouted at the culprit and everybody on the bus looked, but nobody volunteered any assistance. Before she could inform the bus driver about it, the fucker had already alighted. She met up with us and was so angry, she was on the verge of crying. We were of course, very angry on her behalf as well. But at least she had a good look at the man, and shouted at him. Much better than how me and a couple of other friends responded. Mostly, we were too surprised to even do anything about it. Then again, we were rather young when incidents of above said nature happened to us. But still. I wonder what I'd do if something like that ever happened to me again. I wonder if it's something that all women (or a huge majority) have to go through at least once in their lives. I wonder what's it with men that make them commit such mindless acts of disrespect. And I wonder if anyone could really get over such an incident. 11:40 | Tuesday, June 17, 2003What's wrong with me?I'm blessed with a family (not exactly loving but not abusive either), friends whom love me despite the nut I am (putting up with the horrendous shit that I give them everytime), freedom to do pretty much all the things I want to and the opportunity to be educated. I've my own bedroom, a decent monthly allowance and if I need more, I'm always welcome to ask for it (within reasonable limits of course). I've never known how it feels to be starving, without a shelter over my head and war in my homeland or had to fret about not having sufficient food or water, the basic necessities of life. I've never had to worry about being persecuted for my own beliefs or my family's, nor did I have to fear on a daily basis, the loss of the lives of my loved ones. I've never ever had to work for anything I have now, with life being handed on a silver platter to me in short. I should be happy. Contented. Satisfied. But I'm not. There's a whole generation of people like me out there, who've led a pretty fortunate life by most standards, yet somehow unhappy. Lamenting, complaining, whining. Griping about how imperfect life is, how much better it can be. Do we have to lose all we have now before we realise how lucky we are? When there was so much reason before to be happy, which we didn't appreciate, and now it's too late. I don't want to be that way. God, please don't let me be that way. 02:18 | Friday, June 13, 2003I've been dreaming a lot lately. Dreams that don't quite make sense, where I wake up and think "Whoa, what the hell went on back there?"You know it's hard remembering what you dreamt the night before, well, try remembering 3 to 4 in one night. -sigh- So far, happy dreams have not made much of an appearance. Which is a good thing. Because I don't wake up feeling pained and/or crushed. Instead I get dreams where I wake up sobbing nonstop as if my heart has been torn out and nothing good can ever happen again. I can't remember what happened in that dream but it must have been something bad since I hurt so badly. In that case, would I have been better off with a happy dream? Then there are the weird freaky dreams where actors, friends from various social circles do a great meetup in some crazy scenario. Having arguments in the middle of Toa Payoh bus interchange. Doing some obstacle course, running, climbing, sliding down tunnels filled with plastic balls, all over Woodlands. And there's the one that takes the cake. Where I meet up with my IRC mate, Huang Shinan (Pan Lingling's husband, the guy who named his son Beckham) and ending up at Cityhall MRT (which looks nothing like what it's supposed to look like), with me supposedly waiting for Wanjing to arrive but instead find that Lifang is back from UK (2 days earlier than I expected) and leaving in 2 days time. There's more. Add in a couple more people and we're off to Sophia's (?) place which happens to be in the same building as Neini's and apparently a war is going on so we have to cross this great divide thing to go on the other side so that we'll be safe! I see Stephanie (huh?) and Jenny (?!) urging us to move fast before it's too late and all too soon, too late has arrived. We hide and try not to be seen by lying flat on the ground but somehow or another bullets start flying and I used a cushion to avoid getting shot, then this unidentified girl took a couple of shots and dies in front of me. Bullets fly through the cushion and grazed me so I see blood. Then I wake. Talk about having an overactive imagination. All I ask for tonight, is a nice peaceful sleep without all the action please. 00:52 | I've barely talked to him all day. He's tried to get me to talk by making comments when he watches the television but I just ignore it.-sigh- And I haven't said a single word to my Mom. For god knows what reason. -sigh- I should forgive him, I know. But it's difficult when all the emotions are still so raw. Heck, when I think about it, I start tearing. Tomorrow will be a better day. :) 00:25 | Wednesday, June 11, 2003I'm so fucking pissed off with my brother.Oh the guy who's hogging the computer from 1 pm to 7.30 pm (followed by 9pm on that very same day to 1 am) can actually accuse me of being a hogger? When I've only been on at 3.30 pm and it's what? Barely 8 pm? Is there a need to be so fucking hostile and rude? So 4 hours equate the whole fucking day huh? Bloody hell. I hardly ever ask you to let me use the computer, even when you've been on it for 7 hours. I'm so fucking pissed off right now. Me throwing it back at you? What's wrong with following the example YOU set? Pfft. These are the times when I wish I was living on my own, away from this scum people call my sibling. Selfish and irresponsible asshole. Bloody fucking hell. 19:56 | So plans for Mambo have been shelved.Just a week ago, I was so excited and happy at the thought of hitting the dance floor and couldn't wait for it to come. Now, when it's finally here, I feel so lethargic and stoned that I can't even imagine stepping out of the house to get dinner, not to mention shaking my non-existant booty at Zouk. No energy to summon! No more zest! What's wrong with me? Pfft. -plays retro mp3s- // Come on people, say it with me. Again? Is there a lack of Singaporean singers? I don't know but hey, it's National Day after all isn't it? Give other people a chance please. I'm fine with having the same singers but not for 2 consecutive years. -sigh- Point made. But still. I'm not anti-Sun. Heck, I think she has a hell lot of spunk and definitely very talented. But just perhaps there are other people, not as prominent, but still as capable who can do a great job as well right? Okay, hardly any I can think off the cuff. Oh well, guess Stefanie will have to do then. Yet, another pointless rant. 18:53 | Tuesday, June 10, 2003Went shopping with Mom today and I must say that I had a really great time. Then again, it could probably be due to the fact that she was paying which made me so happy. :)Anyhow, the GSS isn't that fantastic. I mean the discounts are mindboggling but there's nothing in my size! (Probably because it's old stock, or it's been snapped up already.) -sigh- And when I finally find something lovely in my size, it's not on discount, and not very worth the price. Argh. Which could probably be for the better since I already spent 200 bucks today despite everything else. Bad girl. Oh, Mom got me a new cross, after I complained about the condition of my old cross which I've stopped wearing. It's probably psychological but having a cross around me makes me feel that He's watching over me, that I'm loved and well, that I should keep a rein on my temper and be a better girl. Urm, and cuss less. // My bracelet broke, for the umpteenth time. It's a very depressing end to a very nice day. -sigh- 01:44 | Sunday, June 08, 2003And I'm running out of things to say. Like my nick pinkgnome, I'm turning out to be droll and uninteresting.I hope this is only temporary. 00:39 | So it seems like I'll be starting lessons at SMU come August. I can't say I'm psyched but at the very least, I'm happy that I know now what's the direction my life's going to take.And the acceptance letter's in front of me now, all filled in and ready to be posted. But me being me, for some weird reason, hesitate to post it. Is this the path for me? Really? Once I post it, things will be more or less finalised, for the next 4 years or so. No room for a change of mind, no time for regret. Simply follow that route laid out. Decisions, decisions, decisions. I'm not ready! 00:38 | Tuesday, June 03, 2003I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. I can only say it's anything but good.-sigh- Shiqi's email made me realised what a lousy friend I've been. As compared to how things are between me and Lifang, I'm disgusted at myself. I'm sorry Qi. For not being there when you need me, for hardly making the effort to keep in touch with you, or ask after you, for being so selfish and lazy and self-centred. But you must know, I still love you. Lots in fact. And I miss you so much, my friend of 12 years, even though it may not be apparent. *hugs* I'll try to be a better friend. I promise. 01:27 | |